Breaking Down

I think it's getting harder to keep my sanity through all this. The irony is that Amanda had her best week yet. That's what makes it so hard. I get a taste of normalcy, which I long for, only to be thrown back into watching my kid suffer. It seems almost cruel. Yesterday's chemo proved to be brutal on her. She came home so sick and miserable. She had severe pain in her hips and legs all day and night long. It's the type of pain that nothing but heavy, addictive pain drugs control. I suspect it's bone marrow depletion, but I'll have to ask the doctor because it's not a typical side-effect that I expected. We struggled for hours to get on top of the pain because the only pain medication she can take causes nausea/vomiting. This is also the side effect of the current chemo she is on. The anti-nausea medication doesn't seem to stand much of a chance with both of these drugs. After hours of whimpering in pain, she finally threw up. I physically held her up in the hallway while she was vomiting, only to abandon her myself to gag over the same bowl. I felt awful as a mother. I'm getting very tired of cancer and hyperemesis gravadium. I unfortunately had my PICC line pulled this week due to complications from it. I'm struggling with fluid intake, which makes me more nauseated. Yesterday was unfortunately a bad nausea day for both of us. Some days being sick together comforts her. But most of them are overwhelming for me. Earlier this week I told Amanda that I was getting my PICC line out, she sobbed and said that now she's the only one that is different. It was so sad to see her reaction. She also asked me how long she will have treatments. I have been dreading this question. I was honest and said that it would be the end of 2011. She sobbed again. Despite these setbacks, she is learning to be more resilient. I think she's doing better with resiliency than I am. As of right now she's feeling better and happily acting more like herself. She doesn't complain about yesterday and seems determined to enjoy the day despite whatever setbacks she had this week. Fortunately, this is what keeps me going. Every day is new. I have to remind myself to not let yesterday's despair dictate new days that have the potential to improve my hope. The only exception to this is that we are planning to buy a minivan this week. No amount of encouragement or counseling is going to make the dreaded minivan a welcome part of my existence :)